


Some Prayers Find An Answer

by swedishstylepatrol



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Abortion, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, M/M, Minor Violence, Mpreg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-24
Updated: 2015-04-24
Packaged: 2018-03-25 13:27:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3812203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swedishstylepatrol/pseuds/swedishstylepatrol
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You're not pregnant, Arthur says and he likes the relief he feels when Merlin says no. No he's not.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Some Prayers Find An Answer

_I'm a week along_ , Merlin says.

 

Arthur gets mad at Merlin and calls him a freak and swears to sue the condom company. Arthur spews the most biting words that have ever left his mouth. He ignores the way Merlin's tears collect at his eyes and then inevitably stream down his face. Arthur punches the wall and has an unbelievable urge to punch something else, something that would hurt under his action. Arthur doesn't believe Merlin and blames him for it. It's Merlin's fault. He made Arthur fuck him. He's the one who made the first move. And he's the one who's pregnant. Arthur resolves to walk away. He threatens Merlin. Tells him that if he ever tells anyone that it's Arthur's child he's carrying, he'll have hell to pay. Arthur walks away. Because Arthur has a fucking future and it's damn bright. His father has jobs lined up for him after graduation. And besides, Merlin's lying. Merlin isn't really pregnant. That isn't even possible. They used a condom. There's no way Merlin's telling the truth.

 

Arthur convinces himself that Merlin's only trying to tie him down so that Merlin can reap the privileges Arthur is born to.

 

In school, Gwen asks if Arthur's seen Merlin because she hasn't seen him in a few days. Arthur spits back at her, how the fuck would he know, he's not Merlin's keeper.

 

Gwen stays out of his way.

 

Morgana sidles up to him at the cafeteria, takes the seat next to him.

 

She dishes out gossip and one of them centres around Merlin. She tells him there's a rumour going around that he got knocked up, and that's why he's not been coming to school. Arthur ignores her.

 

After school, he beats up Will until Will's face is bruised and battered. Regret doesn't come to Arthur.

 

Lance asks Arthur if he's okay, because Arthur hasn't seemed like himself for a whole week now. Arthur pushes him out of the way. And when Gwaine asks what's the matter with Arthur, Arthur tells him to fuck off too.

 

Arthur comes over to Merlin's house and hears him retching through the bathroom window. Arthur convinces himself that Merlin's just sick, that he's faking his pregnancy. Merlin doesn't have proof.

 

Three weeks after Merlin lied to Arthur, Merlin comes back to school and Arthur tries his hardest to ignore Merlin. He sees Merlin go into the counsellor's office a lot though. And he sees Merlin talking with the principal. Arthur thinks it's probably about the coursework he missed while he was away sick.

 

A week after that, Arthur gets sent to the hospital because he wasn't paying attention during the game and some asshole had kicked him on the back of the knee. Arthur sprains his ankle going down. At the hospital, he sees Merlin and he has his hands in front of his stomach. Arthur scoffs, it's just the fucking flu. Or maybe something more serious than the flu. But definitely not a baby.

 

The doctor tightens the bandage on Arthur's leg and lets him go. As he's leaving, he sees Merlin's mom and Will in the waiting area. He ducks out of view and hopes to god his crutch doesn't make ungodly noises and give him away.

 

He doesn't go to school for a whole week because his ankle hurts. Morgana visits him, doles out gossip as if he even cares but it entertains him. She tells him Gwen and Lance are dating. And that Gwaine might have knocked up some girl from another school. Morgana laughs and asks Arthur if he knew that condoms don't actually work 100% of the time and that's probably why Gwaine's going to be a teenage dad. Arthur doesn't laugh but he feels a bitterness in the pit of him. And he feels a burning in his chest.

 

When he comes back to school, he's ankle's mostly healed up. Arthur still avoids Merlin and Merlin doesn't talk to him, look at him, or even go in the same vicinity as Arthur. They have bio together though and Merlin sits at the front of the class because he's a nerd. Arthur knows it's because Merlin wants to be a doctor one day. Arthur sits at the very back because he doesn't need science to run a company but he needs credits to graduate. The lesson in bio is about the reproductive system and how pregnancy works. Arthur almost laughs at loud. Gwaine, who is beside him, seems to be fully attentive like he's never been before. At the front, Merlin has his head down and Arthur just knows his hand is on his stomach. Arthur looks away, looks anywhere but the front of the class, even if he has to bury his head in a random page in his bio book.

 

Merlin skips the next three weeks of school again, as per the weekly gossip courtesy of Morgana. If Merlin was telling the truth, he's in his ninth week. But Merlin lied and Morgana says that the rumour is that Merlin has some sort of terminal illness. Arthur almost pukes because that's a much worse reality than the one he's not willing to accept. He doesn't want Merlin to fucking die, he's not cruel like that.

 

Merlin's a good person and he doesn't deserve that.

 

He tracks down who is spreading these damn rumours and finds Sophia at the start of it. He asks her why she's saying these lies and she proceeds to tell him that she's volunteering at the hospital (Arthur scoffs, more like community service for getting caught drinking underage) and that Merlin's been in there week after week. Arthur almost tells her that Merlin is not dying but he would have to say the other option which he doesn't want anyone to know, doesn’t want to give it any credibility.

 

Arthur tries to go to Merlin's house and straighten this out once and for all. Three times he balks and drives away. The terminal illness rumours don't die down. One day he asks Will out right if Merlin’s sick. Will gives him a black eye in retribution. And Arthur knows he deserved that. 

 

Two weeks pass and then Merlin comes back to school. He looks better than he did all these weeks before and finally the rumours about him go away. Only because rumours about other people surface. Like Morgana dating a university guy. She says it isn't true but her smirk says otherwise. Sophia's dad got arrested and since Sophia is not 18, she has to be put in the system which sucks for her, Arthur guesses. Gwaine becomes gossip fodder but he loves it, he relishes in it. Him and Gwen and by extension, Lance have a piece of paper full of baby names. They pass it around at lunch and because everyone at school loves Gwaine, he lets them jot down their suggestions too. Almost like a contest. Arthur sees Merlin jot down something too but when the piece of paper gets back to their table, he's lost in all the different pens and penmanships. He doesn't know which one is Merlin's idea.

 

Five weeks later, for Lance's birthday, he extends an invitation to their whole grade for a party at his house. Everyone is there, and Lance's house is jam-packed. It isn't as big as Gwaine's or Arthur's house so it seems dwarfed by the sheer amount of guests. Some of them are definitely no one Lance knows.

 

Gwaine introduces Elena to his friends finally. Gwen and Morgana get along with her swimmingly. Lance pats Gwaine on the back. And Arthur stares at Elena's stomach unapologetically. Elena squirms at his gaze and Gwaine snaps a finger at him. _What the fuck man_ , Gwaine swears at him. Arthur shakes his head and asks Elena how far along she is. She says she's 11 weeks along and five more, she's going to start showing. Arthur thinks hard and calculates the weeks for Merlin. He's good at math and knows that Merlin should be at the stage, if he was pregnant, where he's supposed to show, even if it's a tiny bump.

 

Lance offers to get them all drinks but Arthur insists on going with him. And Elena insists that her drink should be alcohol-free. Arthur nods and walks through the house with Lance to see if Merlin's around. The kitchen is filled with people and they all greet Lance a happy birthday. Merlin is there too. Apparently there's a line up to get drinks. Most of the seniors are hogging the drinks and Lance shakes his head at them. He tells them there's a keg in the back and they are welcome to do a keg stand or something. The seniors clear out.

 

Lance fills up cups while Arthur looks at Merlin who is resolutely avoiding his gaze. Merlin pulls his open jacket together and promptly zips it up. But Arthur has already seen that Merlin's stomach is as flat as ever. That if he was pregnant, the contrast of the bump and his bony body would be obvious enough for Arthur.

 

Lance has always been nice to Merlin, more than Arthur ever has. So he asks Merlin if he can pour a drink for him and Arthur doesn't even blink when Merlin asks for rum and coke. Arthur almost cries and laughs at the same time because he was right. Merlin wasn't pregnant. Merlin was just pretending or he just didn't know what he was talking about. For the first time in many weeks, Arthur smiles at Merlin.

 

Merlin grabs the cup from Lance and chugs. He doesn't spare Arthur a glance when he leaves the kitchen.

 

Which- what the fuck? Arthur curses. He helps Lance get the drinks to their friends and then excuses himself. He looks at every black haired person he sees and feels disappointed every time it's not Merlin.

 

Finally, he finds him waiting outside the bathroom on the second floor. No one else is there so Arthur comes up behind Merlin who almost drops his cup. It's empty though. Merlin knits his eyebrows at Arthur but whatever he wants to say is interrupted when the person in the bathroom comes out. Vivian passes Merlin nonchalantly but winks suggestively at Arthur. Not that he's going to follow her or anything.

 

 _What do you want_ , Merlin asks as he enters the huge bathroom. Arthur slinks behind him quickly and closes the door behind them. Merlin stares hard.

 

 _You're not pregnant_ , Arthur says and he likes the relief he feels when Merlin says _no_. No he's not.

 

 _See, I told you you weren't_ , Arthur says and the fucking smug look on his face is demeaning. Merlin wants to shove Arthur back and punch him and make him bleed the way Arthur made Will bleed for nothing.

 

Merlin grits his teeth and reminds Arthur that he called him a freak.

 

Arthur puts up his hands, _I was angry_ he says, _I'm sorry, there were so many things going on, I wasn't thinking straight_.

 

Merlin slaps him, hard.

 

But then they're kissing and Arthur has his strong arms around Merlin's lithe figure. He has Merlin sitting on top of the counter and Arthur kisses like he's been deprived. He hungers for Merlin's touch. Merlin lets him feed. Merlin runs his hands through Arthur’s golden hair, soft as they've always been. He lets Arthur kiss his lips and his jaw and down his neck.

 

Merlin lets Arthur rock against him and he doesn't know when they got naked but he wants Arthur inside him. Merlin lets Arthur fuck him in Lance's goddamn bathroom.

 

For a blind moment, for a moment that stretches into the dead of night, Merlin yearns for Arthur and wants Arthur to fill him up. He wants the feeling of knowing Arthur's spend in him is going to get him pregnant again. He doesn't care that morning sickness sucks or that he would be a teenage parent. For a couple weeks, Merlin thought about having his kid and raising him in the house he grew up in. Of teaching the kid everything he knows, entertain him with stupid childish magic tricks, just to see his eyes light up. And his eyes would be the same colour as Arthur's and he'd have the same sweet laugh.

 

Arthur comes and Merlin doesn't even realize that he's crying.

 

He doesn't want it. He doesn't want Arthur's child. Not if Arthur is going to resent them both. Not if it'll take Arthur away from him. He doesn't even know why Arthur matters so much. Arthur's just an arrogant jock who doesn't even like being mentioned in the same breath as nerdy Merlin. Arthur's a closeted douchebag who made Merlin swear that he'll never say anything about them to anyone ever. But it's also not Arthur's fault that his father is a tyrant who wants Arthur to be a certain mould of himself.

 

Because Arthur, Merlin's Arthur, holds his hands in the dark theatre. Kisses him goodnight before he sneaks away. Calls him when Arthur feels inadequate or scared. Because despite it all, Merlin understands that Arthur was just scared, and Merlin was too and he would have had the same reaction if it was turned around.

 

 _I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry_ , Arthur breathes into his neck and maybe Arthur's crying too.

 

Merlin closes his eyes, _I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry_ , Merlin says inside his head but he knows it's not Arthur he's asking forgiveness from.

 

It's disgusting that they fall asleep in Lance's bathroom but Merlin doesn't care. Instead, he sits up and finds his jacket. He reaches into the pocket and takes out a pill. He swallows it. They had unprotected sex last night and Merlin knows that it was a mistake. And he doesn't want any other mistakes coming from it.

 

He gets dressed and then looks at Arthur, contemplates whether he should wake him up or not. Merlin kisses Arthur's forehead. This time his sorry is meant for Arthur as he leaves him there.

 

Lance is awake and hauling around a black garbage bag when Merlin gets down. Lance flashes him a smile and offers him coffee or breakfast. Merlin should just go but he thinks he could do with food. He takes toast and butters it up and that's when Gwaine and Elena come into the kitchen, they’re fucking glowing. Merlin feels contempt for them, because if life was fair, that's how him and Arthur would act right now. If only Arthur didn't react the way he did. If only Merlin was stronger than he is.

 

Merlin leaves before his jealousy acts up. He thanks Lance and goes home.

 

Merlin doesn't know why he keeps it, that fucking ultrasound picture. They say it might be bad for him to be reminded of it. But they say that maybe it'll help him move on. Merlin doesn't know which one applies to him. He feels like crying every time he looks at it, and he feels sad every time he tucks it under his mattress. Some days, he looks at it and thinks it's okay that they're gone because he wasn't ready. Maybe for one, maybe he would have kept the one, but he wasn't, still isn't ready for two at a time.

 

In his mind, he names them Drake and Liam because he refuses to call them mistakes, because he thinks that once named, they're his forever even when he knows he let them go. Because even if they weren't anything, they were once a part of Merlin, and he won't ever forget them. Drake the dragon. And Liam the strong-willed warrior. And somehow, Merlin still manages to think of Arthur even if Arthur hadn't wanted them, still doesn't.

 

Merlin lies on his bed and he's spent many days lying there, looking up at his ceiling and thinking about what he should do. Some nights he thought of what they'd look like when they come out. Most nights he thought about steeling himself when the day comes that he gives up on them.

 

Merlin made the decision when he found out there'd be two, that there could have, should have, would have been one in his arms and one in Arthur's. Merlin tells the doctor his decision and it's a swift process. But the pain in his heart keeps him from going to school. His mom tells him that she'll always love him no matter what. And Will comes over to tell him what he missed in school. He keeps seeing the counsellor and it helps most days.

 

What doesn't help is how much he thinks about Arthur. How much he'd love to be in Arthur's arms, how that would be more effective than talking to a stranger. Last night, when he was in Arthur's embrace, all Merlin could think about was how much it hurt to not have had it, this strong loving presence, when he really needed it. Arthur does not love Merlin the way Merlin loves Arthur. But Merlin can't help the way he feels about that stupid prick.

 

 _I love you_ , Arthur said last night when he bottomed out, and Merlin clings to that like life support and it destroys him. Because there's almost this inkling of truth to Arthur's declaration but he knows it came out in the heat of the moment. But Merlin clings to it still and wishes he can hear it again.

 

What he hears instead is the doorbell. His mom is probably at work, Merlin didn't check. He doesn't want to get out of bed and his eyes feel tired. But the doorbell doesn't stop ringing.

 

Arthur looks immaculate and Merlin feels like punching himself.

 

 _You were gone when I woke up_ , Arthur says.

 

Merlin bites his lip and says bitterly, _I didn't think you'd notice_.

 

Arthur stares at him, _Is it because I said I loved you? Did that freak you out?_

 

But Merlin has never been afraid of the day Arthur would say it to him. Merlin's afraid that it's not genuine, not real, not something that could compel Merlin to say it back. Merlin's always been scared that Arthur would leave.

 

 _It's okay if you don't. Love me, that is_ , Arthur says, and Merlin looks at him, really looks at him. Arthur is fucking trembling where he stands. His hands fidget. His lip is red. His hair is mussed.

 

Oh god.

 

 _I have to show you something_ , Merlin holds out his hand and Arthur grasps it tightly.

 

Merlin pulls out the ultrasound picture from under his mattress.

 

He gives it to Arthur and waits for the world to fall away, to crumble around him. He waits for Arthur's rage, a shout, a fist, anything. But Merlin also hopes for Arthur to understand, for Arthur to forgive him for lying about lying, for Arthur to know that Merlin wants to be with him but they can't base their relationship on this lie.

 

Arthur doesn't even know what the fuck he's looking at. He almost tears it up.

 

 _There were two_ , Merlin tells him, points them out. His finger is shaking. And Arthur is still, so still that Merlin thinks he's gone catatonic.

 

 _But that's okay_ , Merlin continues and hopes his light voice snaps Arthur out from his rigid posture, _You didn't want them. They're gone_.

 

Merlin watches Arthur's face. He can't read it.

 

_I thought I was right, when I saw that your stomach wasn't showing. I thought, oh Merlin was just lying. But you weren't. You had them aborted._

 

Merlin's throat constricts, _You didn't want them_.

 

Arthur tears his gaze away from the picture and looks straight at Merlin, his lips a straight line. _Did you want them?_

 

Merlin, and he isn't even sure what's happening, what compelled him to do it, but he throws his arms around Arthur, and cries into his neck. _I want you. I want you. I only want you. Pleas_ e.

 

Arthur tightens his arms around Merlin in response. The picture is still clutched in his hand.

 

 _I love you_ , Arthur whispers when he looks at Merlin. _I would have loved them too_ , he says and looks at the ultrasound. All the regrets he didn’t feel come rushing at him like an unstoppable tidal wave.

 

_I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry._

 

There's forgiveness. In time. When the roads clear of the snow. When the trees take back their life, when their leaves start to grow again.

 

Elena gives birth to a baby girl, they name her Faith. They name Arthur the godfather. He spoils her.

 

There's acceptance when the first light of spring touches the frozen river and the ice cracks, breathes for the first time in a long time.

 

Merlin breathes, and tells Arthur he loves him for the very first time on their graduation day. Arthur is standing beside his father, and looking out at the sea of people around them. Arthur gathers Merlin into his arms and says it back to him. Loud and proud, unapologetic. True.

 

There's trials and tribulations. They over come them. Hand in hand, side by side.

 

Arthur tells his father that he's gay and that he loves Merlin more than anything in the world. His father denounces him. But Arthur comes home to Merlin's arms and family can be built again, family is chosen this time.

 

They ride giant waves together. Arthur opens his new company and Merlin becomes a doctor.

 

They climb mountain ranges together. When Gwen has a miscarriage, Merlin holds her hand until she stops crying, until she smiles, until she can look at Lance and not feel an ache in her because she doesn't deserve that pain. Merlin tells her about what happened to him and tells her it will all be okay. And in turn, Arthur holds Merlin at night, he doesn't say he's sorry anymore. He says that he loves Merlin, that he always will.

 

They conquer the world together. Arthur's dreams all come true. His father is less ignorant and more indifferent to the fact that Arthur has a fiancé. Merlin invites Uther to their wedding, but he doesn't make Uther toast them. Arthur has built an empire for himself and Merlin becomes the Chief Physician. They save lives one at a time. And daily, they save each other.

 

They go back to the beginning together.

 

And they do it different this time.

 

They name him Phoenix.


End file.
